Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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