I think I won the penis lottery.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
