im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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