I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
