I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Randomize
