in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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