6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Randomize
