I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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