I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
