i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
