i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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