just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
