people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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