apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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