Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
