I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
