tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
