I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
