i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Welp...herpes.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
