I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
