don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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