I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
