Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
PANTIES FOUND
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