remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I puked a lego.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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