Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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