Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I love you. Go after that dick
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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