it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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