rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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