Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
