he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
