You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
