when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
