I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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