im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
