Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
