Is it normal to miss your booty call?
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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