I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
