have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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