why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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