When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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