It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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