I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
they need to just BURY HIM!
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Rumble strips road head = magical
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
