I accidentally had phone sex last night
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
