Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
