Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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