Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
