i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
