you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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