JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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