I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
