Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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