Got a toothbrush?
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
