just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
