if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
