yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
