my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
