Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
