this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
